Our whole culture tells us that we should do more, do it faster, do it now – not just in sex but also in everything we do. All these messages may lead us to feel that we should speed up and that packing in more experiences, more work, more play is good. In sex the opposite is more often true.
Instead of speeding up we would suggest that you would benefit much more from slowing down. Fast sex has a certain type of energy that can feel delicious on some occasions but overall we have found that slowing things down leads to much deeper and more authentic sex.
If we focus on speeding up sex we are in effect getting it over with as fast as possible. It is a strange contradiction about sex that whilst many people spend a huge amount of their time thinking about sex, when they are in a sexual experience most rush towards orgasm, which is actually the discharge of that sexual energy. It is as though they cannot wait to get rid of the sexual energy and stop feeling it in their system. The impulse of sexual desire seems for many people to move as fast as possible and therefore have sex end as soon as possible. This does not arise from fact these people are not enjoying sex, but rather because they feel unable to hold greater amounts of sexual energy.
You might imagine this as though a person’s sexual energy is like water. Imagine that the person has a container to hold their sexual energy. The container can only hold so much energy. Once it is full any extra energy would spill over and could not be contained. Most people only have a very small container for their sexual energy. If the energy they hold becomes more than they are used to, they may feel that it is “too much” and start to edit it or discharge it by having fast sex or by releasing the energy through orgasm and ejaculation, usually in the case of men.
Part of the process of learning to have more meaningful and authentic sex is to increase the size of your container. Size matters – but not the way you learnt it did from pornography! Do you know how you feel as you begin to allow more sexual energy into your system without rushing to discharge it? Again by being present with what is there in each moment you can become aware of more subtle sensations.
The tendency for most people is to chase orgasm and to get to that place as fast as possible. When we do this we feel the euphoric release of orgasm or ejaculation but if we have rushed to get there, the amount of pleasure we can feel will typically be small compared to what is possible. Imagine a balloon being filled with air. If we burst the balloon after a few breaths into it, when it bursts there will be a small pop. However if we fill the balloon to it capacity before bursting it, there will be a satisfyingly large explosion since more pressure and tension has built up in the balloon.
The same is true of orgasm. The faster we reach orgasm, the less intense and satisfying it will be. By slowing down we give ourselves the possibility to increase the erotic tension and this will feel even more pleasurable when it is released. Building sexual energy slowly over time not only gives us more intense pleasure but also creates a heightened sense of anticipation.
The longer gratification is delayed the better it feels when we finally let ourselves go there. Long slow periods of bodily caress and foreplay build erotic tension. Focusing on the whole body and its pleasure moves the energy away from the genitals and incorporates the whole body into the experience of pleasure. Slowing down touch on the genitals themselves allows us to increase the erotic energy there before we let ourselves discharge it.
Slowing down not only increases the amount of erotic energy we are holding in our system but also gives us awareness of new and subtler levels of sexual feelings.