Do you only attract unavailable partners?

January 24, 2013

Are you attracting unavailable men into your life? Are you single, yearning for a relationship and all you get are men with girlfriends, wives or those who live in a different country?

You want to be in relationship with a good man who can be there for you and who can love you and open you to love more fully than you can open yourself. But you find yourself attracting men who aren’t available in one form of another. Why is this? What’s going on?

It’s easy to go from this place of not being met to a victim place. Why can’t I attract the right people? Why does everyone else have a partner & not me? Why are these men behaving like this around me?

When we’re in this victim place, it a place of dis-empowerment; things happen TO us, we don’t have any say in them. We can feel rootless, ungrounded, pushed about by the ebb & flow of the vagaries of the universe.

The first thing to do is to reclaim your power. And the way to do this is to re-claim your projection. The painful truth is that YOU are giving out something which is attracting this type of man into your life. If you were giving out something different, you’d be attracting different types of men – the men you REALLY want to attract. But you’re not; you’re attracting unavailable men or men who can’t commit to you. And so you deny yourself the experience of surrendering to love in its fullest potential.

And here’s the most painful part: what you’re seeing in these men you attract is a projected part of your own self!

Many spiritual traditions tell us the material universe is Maya, illusion. In some sense it is. My belief, within tantra, is that all this “stuff” around us is very real. But that we create it ourselves. In a very meaningful way, we are all gods and goddesses within our own universe. The mind is a projector, a film camera. The universe is our projection screen and our DNA is the film can which records the experience.

So, onto the projection screen of life we project all manner of things. One of the things we project is ourselves – onto other people. As the Talmud says “we do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are”. When we encounter others, it is very useful and insightful (though often painful) to look at the other and ask ourselves – what part of myself do I see in you? Or make the statement in your mind “When I look at you I see my own… (anger/fear/love/divinity/rage, etc., etc.)”. Just complete as appropriate.

Once we begin to reclaim our projections we also begin to reclaim our power. As long as I hold the belief that “things just happen to me” or “only a certain type of person is attracted to me”, I have no power over events. As soon as I reclaim my projection and realise that it is I who am attracting these people, I have the power to chose who I want to attract into my life. I can change my behaviour to meet my deeper needs.

So, if you are attracting unavailable men into your life, or if you attract men who aren’t willing to commit to loving you fully, don’t look at them and ask “What’s wrong with them?” Look to yourself and ask yourself “What part of ME is unavailable for a relationship? What part of myself doesn’t want to commit?”

When you dive deeper into these questions, you can find surprising answers. It is likely that you have experienced rejection before and your mind and body have learnt that you can not trust the other. Often this belief system is laid down in childhood with our relationship with our parents. And so the mind and body learns to shut itself off from love. We unconsciously give off signals that indicate that we are not available for love and in doing so we attract only those who are equally unavailable or unwilling to commit to open their hearts in the fullness that you so long for.

This type of self examination is not easy. It takes great courage to look deep inside and to reclaim what we most want to deny. But the rewards are huge. They are no less than being met in the deepest need of your whole being: to allow yourself to be truly opened by love and to be met in union and celebration of the sacred masculine and sacred feminine with another.

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