How do you feel about trying new things in (or out of) the bedroom? Ever had anal sex? Or sex in public? Or a threesome? Why do we choose to engage in some sexual acts but not others? What makes some things ok and others anathema to us? I’ve been curious about this for some time and have finally reached a conclusion.
I believe that the type of sex we have is directly linked to our psychological development. The more developed we are psychologically the more we are able to enjoy different sex acts.
Think about it this way. Imagine a woman who holds the view that “normal” vaginal penetrative sex is ok but that oral sex is “icky”. Perhaps she has a view that her genitals are unpleasant or unsavory in some way. Perhaps she doesn’t like the scent of them or the taste of her juices. Now if she were to come to love and accept that part of herself she might be more open to oral pleasure.
The same applies to anal sex. If we believe that our bottoms are “dirty” we might not enjoy anal play. However, once we accept that our bottoms are just another part of our anatomy, we can begin to enjoy the pleasures that can be derived from them. Men, for example, often associate having something in their anus with homosexuality. However, we are blessed to have the equivalent of the female g-spot, our prostate gland, there. Both male and female anuses are rich in nerve endings which can give huge amounts of pleasure and it is possible to experience orgasm through anal stimulation.
What about spanking or being tied up, made more popular, perhaps, by 50 Shades of Grey? Some may feel that these are “wrong” or “perverted”. However, if we grow sufficiently psychologically to appreciate and accept that there may be a part of us which enjoys the letting go of control which can arise from being tied up we may give ourselves permission to enjoy that. If we understand that the pain and pleasure receptors in the brain are closely linked, perhaps we could allow ourselves to experience pleasure in that too. A recent (2013) study at the department of Clinical Psychology at Tilburg University in the Netherlands concluded that BDSM practitioners scored higher on a number of psychological and personal measures than those who only indulge in more “vanilla” sexual pursuits.
Of course we all have preferences. Some people enjoy more pleasure from one act than another and that is natural and normal. There is, thankfully, variation amongst us all in terms of what we enjoy. However, there is a difference between not doing something because of choice and not doing it because we do not give ourselves permission. The more we can give ourselves permission the more we grow psychologically as we integrate more and more parts of ourselves into our awareness. So, if you want to grow psychologically, one of the best ways to do so is to begin to gently explore new ways of having sex or making love. It can be not only fun and exciting but is likely to help you grow in more general terms as well.