The importance of selfish sex

October 10, 2014

In my practice I find that a lot of women say they’re not interested in having sex any more. They assume its because they’ve lost their mojo – but when I dig a little deeper it often turns out that its not sex they’ve lost interest in, just bad sex.

Women frequently allow themselves to tolerate bad sex without complaining openly about it to their partners. Sometimes men can be more focused on their own pleasure, not giving enough attention to their female partner. Or conversely, guys can get obsessed with “giving her an orgasm” – an act which I would argue is impossible anyway (after all, ladies it’s your orgasm, how can anyone give it to you if it’s yours in the first place?) This type of guy can get hung up on giving you orgasms because it makes him feel good, propping up his ego, whilst your pleasure is almost secondary, even if it appears to be the focus of his attention.

So how can you stop having bad sex? The answer is simple. Good sex requires good communication. Sex is a weird social situation where the normal rules of social engagement seem not to apply. If you’re on the tube and someone treads on your foot, you’ll probably say “Don’t do that please”. In sex, it can seem out of place to say, “Would you mind not doing that, I don’t like it”. This is usually because we don’t want to offend the other person – but in avoiding being honest, we make problems for ourselves. It’s as though in the closeness that sexual interaction engages we lose our normal boundaries of what we’d allow and what we wouldn’t for fear of upsetting the other.

I’ve found that the best way to overcome this is gentle but ruthless honesty. Honest sex can be challenging but if you and your partner can stay with it, it is intensely rewarding. If you can really communicate what you’re feeling, desiring and thinking on each moment, it can be immensely healing and the gateway to a lot more enjoyable sex.

Instead of putting up with a premature move or something which doesn’t feel pleasurable for you, imagine saying that you’d prefer him not to do that right now. Be gentle but clear. You might try saying something like “its nice when you do that, but I’m not ready for it just yet” or “that feels good, but what’s even better is….” Try to find ways to encourage but be honest at the same time.

It can be enjoyable taking turns in being selfish, with the other’s agreement. Take some time in love-making to do just what you want, rather than focus on what your partner wants. If you’re not loving sex, then the chances are that you’re not getting out of it what you want and you may be spending too much time making sure your partner has a good time or suppressing your own pleasure. And that’s a sure fire recipe for bad and boring sex.

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