When it comes to sex, a lot of our thoughts, feelings and desires get edited out. So of what gets edited out is due to how we imagine our desires may be judged by others. We may feel uncomfortable in letting our partner know that we want to try something new or even experimental. It can be all too easy to think that our partner would never allow this or accept that desire within us. Their non-acceptance of our desires may lead us to feel shame or rejection.
However much we may like to put the responsibility for that sense of rejection on the other, it is ultimately our own relationship with our desires on which we need to work. Our reticence at sharing these thoughts comes from our own self-judgment and non-acceptance of our own impulses. Ultimately any relationship is a mirror of our feelings about our self. If we can accept our selves, then that will be mirrored back by those around us, including our loved ones. If we still feel shame or guilt a bout our sexuality then that is what will be mirrored back.
In a sense the whole experience of external reality is a projection of our own beliefs about life and our place in it. We see in others everything which is within us and I would suggest that when we met non-acceptance of our sexual self in others, it is to our own belief systems that we need to turn to resolve the dynamic.
Look at the places within yourself where you are not yet able to accept our sexual self? What acts or desires can you embrace and what do you judge as “wrong” or “dirty” or feel shame around? It is equally important to understand that any negative feelings about your sexuality arise in the first instance not from within but from what we learnt, usually as children.
Sexuality is, in essence, innocence. The sexual energy is our life force energy and is simply an impulse that yearns to be expressed. In childhood, we begin to express our sexual selves, either by exploring our bodies with natural, healthy curiosity or exploring the bodies of others (of around the same age) with the same attitude of enquiry. This is the most natural thing in the world. Problems arise when we experience the judgments of others (usually adults). “Good girls don’t do that”, “It’s not nice to touch yourself there!” and so on. Each of these comments, however well meant is a blow to our sexual freedom of expression and therefore to our sense of self.
To heal our sexual self and become whole once more, we need to regain our sense of innocence and to give ourselves permission to explore our sexuality once more with that childlike sense of curiosity and wonder that so easily gets lost. Once we can do this, we will heal the wounds of our sexuality which in turn allows us to integrate and express more of ourselves.
The miracle of life is that the more deeply we heal those wounds within ourselves, the more this is mirrored back from our partners and friends. Self-acceptance is the key is sexual freedom.