Why can’t men hold their sexual energy?

February 26, 2017

“So do guys really just want to have quick sex and cum?” a client asked me the other day.

Here’s the age old problem; women typically want longer sex sessions, with more of a build up of erotic energy, guys tend to want to move ahead to “the main event” of penetration and ejaculate pretty much as soon as possible. Why?

The interesting thing about sexual energy is that although most guys spend a huge amount of time thinking about sex, planning ways to get it, fantasising about what they’ll do once they get there, when they’re actually in a sexual situation they want to get rid of that sexual energy as fast as possible by ejaculating it out of them.  Interesting conundrum, right?  Why spend all that time wanting something, only to discharge it as soon as you get the chance?

The answer lies in our upbringing.  As boys we are taught that “big boys don’t cry”, we have to “be a big boy” or just “grow up and be a man”.  Showing emotion isn’t something that was usually encouraged in our childhood as boys.  In fact any sensitivity we did show back then was often mocked by our peers as well as discouraged by our parents. We may have been labeled as effeminate or ‘sissy’ for allowing our vulnerability to show.  We learnt to “suck it up” and “take it on the chin, like a real man”. 

As a result our capacity to deal with intense emotional states reduced.  When strong feelings came up we just had to suppress them, squash them down so we didn’t feel them.  Our ability to tolerate high emotional charge got lost along the way.  This is also one reason that some men lose their tempers and enact aggressive or violent behaviours.  They lose their tempers because they can’t hold them; they have no capacity to do so.

The problem is that when we suppress one set of emotions the human psyche does not seem able to selectively only suppress one set of potentially challenging emotions, such as sadness, anger, or fear.  It turns down the volume on all types of feeling – joy, pleasure and love for example.  Unfortunately a strong sexual charge is also something that we begin to lack the ability to “tolerate”.

If we get especially good at turning down the volume on emotions we find after a while that we also turn it down on sensations.  So in order to feel anything we need more intensity – harder friction-based sex, more intense sensations.  Its not because men are inherently rough and senseless, it’s because we’ve been trained not to feel – and yet we have a deep longing to feel ourselves.  So we try increasingly intense methods in order to feel something, anything.  In the process we create a downward spiral of desensitisation.  The more intensity we try, the more desensitised we become.

So what’s the answer?  It’s simple, as men we need to start feeling ourselves once more.  We need to develop sensitivity.  We need to stop banging away at women as though we were hammering nails into a piece of wood and start caressing and stroking, both them and ourselves.  We need to allow ourselves to feel our feelings more deeply, to let ourselves show our vulnerability and to make this a sign of strength not of weakness.  The only true strength is being able to allow our vulnerability to be expressed because we can only do that when we know we are strong enough to allow it, otherwise we suppress it.  The irony is that when we allow ourselves to feel more, we can enjoy sex more and hold that sexual charge for longer – meaning that everyone involved is going to enjoy themselves much more.



  • Anna ter Laak says:

    Very true!

  • Maya Kerstan says:

    It’s a good point…the other thing is that both, men and women, did not get the support from their educators to anchor sexual feelings in their body. We learned to hide this feelings and by this a charge is developped, in men’s genitals, in womens hearts…

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  • Kerrie says:

    Good article, and I agree that men need to feel rather than think!…… However, to suggest “men need to FEEL …..” when they basically don’t know how can be a difficult task for them. In my experience, a general portion of men have a fear of being “vulnerable” and emotional (intimate) with a woman. With character traits of commitment phobic, (loss of their freedom to have choices of many sexual partners) fear of losing control or a sense of being controlled by “their feelings of pleasure” creating a sense of vulnerability, along with mother entanglements and unresolved past relationship experiences, core beliefs about themselves as a sexual and capable man and unable to cope with these feelings of vulnerability, makes it easy to see why men just want to “get it over with” rather than appreciate and enjoy “the pleasures” of a woman who desires deep connection with her “lover” and what she can bring naturally to the experience.

    From my own personal experience (over time) I learnt how to enjoy and desire “pleasure” with tenderness, support and practice. By allowing myself to “feel the pleasure” and realising how much I yearned for the affection and connection of touch, the body sensations and having the ability to connect with my inner world of “being-ness”, helped me heal and become a natural confident lover, realising that this “pleasure state of being-ness” is our birth right and a major part of our whole existence in feeling “loved” and being “loving”……

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